All Is Revealed

I should be writing right now (right?) but I’m at one of those fiddly scenes with a lot of dialogue, balanced on a knife edge over Info Dump Gorge and Exposition Canyon, so instead I thought I’d give you all (all four of you) a taste of my work. ‘Work’ in this case being a euphemism for whatever dirty-minded body part happens to pop into your head first. Ready? Off we go!

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The gun that was being pointed at her at that moment in time was held in the hand, which was trembling, of an escaped lunatic from the mental asylum on Bridget Hill. She knew he was an escaped lunatic from the mental asylum on Bridget Hill because his asylum-brand overalls had the words ‘Bridget Hill’ written across them in 0.5 thickness blue thread, stitched, she thought, if she was any expert in the art of stitching, with a Branston-brand sewing machine.

“How did you escape from the mental asylum on Bridget Hill?” she gasped, her eyes widening in horror as the barrel of the gun was thrust in her direction.

“You should know by now that I can escape from anywhere!” he chuckled, while the gun which he was holding was pointed at her forehead. Just as it seemed inevitable that death would claim her in that moment of terror and tension, Deus, her boyfriend who she had not even considered thinking about for four years, screeched to a halt next to the escaped lunatic from the mental asylum on Bridget Hill and he proceeded to punch him. He fell unconscious next to the motorcycle.

With his girlfriend, who had not been his girlfriend for six years but who he still always thought of as ‘girlfriend’, saved from the escaped lunatic from the mental asylum on Bridget Hill, he turned on his motorcycle and drove away, never to be heard from again.

She sighed with relief and continued on her way to John’s house, who had a house on top of the cliff where she was walking.

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I know what you’re thinking: good God, vitaminbook, with that kind of mastery over the English language, you should be signing lucrative book deals and sampling the finest drugs that Ireland’s festering underbelly has to offer! And you’re right, I really should. But, since this is the internet, I demand a cornucopia of positive comments in return for showing you all a few paragraphs of my hacked-together bullshit. (See what I did there?)