Vampire Shenanigans

Welcome to Vitriolic Book Reviews, the blog that delights in ripping books apart (metaphorically; ever tried tearing up a 500 page hardback?). To ‘get things going’, I thought I’d review the two most recent books I’ve read, which, by startling coincidence, can be neatly divided into the categories ‘How To Do a Vampire Story’ and ‘How Not To Do a Vampire Story’. Ready? Off we go.

‘Twilight’, by Stephanie ‘Ann Rice Defanged’ Meyer, is the story of Isabella Swan, a shy, clumsy girl who moves to the small town of Forks, Washington. We’re told very early on that Isabella (or ‘Bella’) is about as normal as normal can be; she is, in fact, the very blueprint from which every ‘average teenage girl’ was created.

Except (brace yourself)…she isn’t! We eventually realise that Bella is actually incredibly beautiful, extremely intelligent, and has every male student in the school drooling over her. Literally; one of the main characters, who can read people’s minds, tells her so.

What’s that? Read people’s minds? Oh yes, this book also features vampires. Supposedly it’s about vampires (a ‘vampire story’, if you will) but to be honest you could change them all to plain old humans without doing much damage to a lot of the plot. There are only a few things you need to know about Edward Cullen, our vampire leading man, to understand what kind of story this is:

1. He’s stunningly handsome. We’re told how stunningly handsome he is constantly. He doesn’t just look at people, he gazes at them with his eyes like liquid gold. He doesn’t speak, he utters his sentences in a soft undertone, sending a shiver down Bella’s spine. He doesn’t walk or, God forbid, just ‘go’ anywhere; no, he glides across the floor of the high school cafeteria with an unnatural grace that sends a shiver down Bella’s spine. Wait, did I already use that phrase? Screw it, that’s still roughly 498 times less than Stephanie Meyer. That girl desperately needs to put on a coat.

2. He’s ‘dark’ and ‘dangerous’. Or at least, that’s what we’re told. In reality he does nothing even remotely dangerous for most of the book and comes across as an egotistical jackass more than anything else.

3. He’s really good looking. Like, seriously.

Have you guessed that the purpose of this book is yet? That’s right, it was written so that teenage girls can insert themselves into Isabella’s clumsy shoes and imagine swooning over Edwards’s silken voice and high cheekbones. Okay, the cheekbones are never mentioned in the book (I think; it all sort of runs together eventually), but come on, he’s apparently going to look like this in the movie.

Twilight is, without a doubt, the most successful Mary Sue novel I’ve ever come across. It’s boring as hell, has cardboard characters who grate on the nerves constantly (Bella in particular is maddeningly stupid, and is apparently some sort of ‘trouble magnet’ to boot – which is supposed to explain why she’s so afraid of tripping over her own feet that she doesn’t try to run when a group of men surround her in a dodgy part of town) and doesn’t develop anything resembling a compelling conflict until well past the halfway mark. Ignore the fawning reviews from lovestruck teenage girls. While they might say ‘this book is incredibly deep’, what they actually mean is ‘Well…*blush* Edward Cullen :3′ And that’s an actual quote from a blog comment, folks.

Oh, and there are werewolves in the second book in the trilogy. Yes, really.

The next novel in today’s double feature is Let the Right One In by John Ajvide Lindqvist. Unlike Twilight, which is about as frightening as a kitten playing with a ball of pink string, Let the Right One In is deeply unsettling and brilliantly plays to the traditional vampire story’s strengths while exploring new ground. Our protagonist, Oskar, is an odd twelve year old boy who’s bullied constantly at school and who cheers himself up by shoplifting and looking at his scrapbook filled with newspaper clippings about gruesome murders.

Eli, a two hundred year old vampire trapped as a young child, moves in next door and the two quickly become friends. When Eli’s ‘father’ starts killing local children in order to keep her supplied with blood, things start to get a bit difficult for everyone involved.

Is this book better than Twilight? Hell yes, and the comparison is valid even though they’re not written with the same audience in mind. Twilight is a cheap romance story dressed up as one about vampires, while Let the Right One In is a very unique story about what it might actually be like if a young girl was turned into an immortal being who needed to drink fresh blood to survive. All right, it’s not exactly realistic, but neither does it present a stupidly rose-tinted picture of vampirism. When Eli says that she doesn’t want to infect anyone else, you can see why. Twilight desperately needed some of that edginess.

Having said that, it’s far from perfect. Oskar goes from ’serial-killer wannabe nutjob’ to ‘a bit eccentric but overall a good guy’ in a few pages, and while this is probably supposed to show how meeting Eli changes him, it seems far too abrupt to be taken seriously. The ‘alcoholic losers’ subplot also starts to drag just as it becomes relevant, and the way characters tend to resolve to change their lives for the better just before they die is a bit over the top.

If you’re looking for something creative and original, and are willing to step outside your comfort zone, read Let the Right One In. If you want to read long, long long descriptions about a person’s fantastically handsome face, which features the phrase Greek God’ used earnestly, read Twilight. Then never set foot in a bookstore for the rest of your life, please.